And then, A Cheesecake. I hate when that happens.

Remember my little rant about timing and trying to start a diet during the holidays? Yeah. Don't do it. This came to the office today:

I shouldn't even be tempted. I get sick from too much dairy. And yet - CHEESECAKE. Still, I think I can get away with just a small slice and feel satiated - because it's a treat, it's allowing me to have some, and again, a little bit probably won't make me sick. Plus, my horrible habit of "grazing" (as my dad charmingly called it) doesn't really kick in at work like it does when I'm at home, so it's going to be easier to stay away. It's not like it's a friggin snack food, you know?

Prepare for the End! (of excuses)

If you don't take the time & put in the effort to prep yourself for all the parts of your goals, you're going to have a much tougher time of it sticking to it and are more likely to fail. It's an integral part, really, but nobody seems to preach it. Sure, for the millions out there who have the vague but consistent yearn to "lose weight", all they hear is "diet", "exercise", or option three: "try this latest fad/pill/diet/food/juice/product/crap".

Nobody says, Prepare.

Diet? Maybe instead of focusing on getting the latest juicer or decrying the evils of bread (instead of spending needless dollars or jumping on a bandwagon who's science is murky or you don't understand, because it's probably hokum), you could try to sit down and do the following:

1. Plan your menu for the week. Simple. No, it really is. Breakfasts, Lunches, and Dinners. I sit down with my tea at breakfast every Sunday morning and decide what I'm/we're eating for the week, and then I go grocery shopping to get it. It keeps my food bills under control, and creates less stress around meal time. Great tip here: repetition may sound boring, but sticking with something that works & that's relatively easy to prepare ahead of time is something you will grow to love and depend on, especially for smaller meals like breakfast & lunch. So worry less about variety, that will find a way into your diet whether you like it or not, and this way you'll feel less guilty about it when it does. I tend to pack/prep breakfasts and most lunches Sunday night and pack them to bring into work with me Monday morning, so that my food is set and waiting for me for the rest of the week.
   
   Breakfasts: I tend to stick to high fiber, high protien, low sugar cereals in the morning with skim milk with a piece of fruit or two. I pre-pack into little Glad containers on Sunday night (dry).  I keep a small bottle of skim milk in my work fridge and buy a new one every week to replace it. That's 5 containers of cereal, and 5 bananas or apples or a box of clementines.
   
   Lunches: In the summer, I'm a fan of prepacking salads into these awesome Glad containers that even come with their own pop in dressing container. WORTH IT. Buy those bad boys. I usually would buy a pack of canned shredded chicken breast or tuna that I'd top the salad with to get some more protein and keep me fuller. Also, Bolthouse dressing is the way to go. Creamy, rich, delicious, good on EVERYTHING, and very low cal/low sugar. In the winter, I stick with soups, and just bring a couple cans into work and keep them in my drawer with a microwavable bowl. We have a microwave at work. They also have microwavable containers but two warnings: 1) those tend to hide 2 servings in one container which I think is cheap and mean and sneaky and 2) they have a lot of sodium so watch that.
   
   Dinners: This is where I need some variety, but I have become a huge fan of my crock pot. I can prep it the night before, pull it out of the fridge the morning off and plug that bad boy in. Done! And usually left-overs the next day to boot. Find some healthy recipes for it and you're set. Also a pack of chicken breasts or steaks and some steam-able veggies can never go wrong here.
   
   Snacks: This is hard, but don't even go into the chip or candy aisle. Don't. Don't do it. Pretend or actually bring your 4 year old with you and you won't even be tempted. Stick with fruits, veggies, hummus, yogurt, nuts, etc.
   
   I know the family situation complicates the numbers and prep time, but as a parent you've learned what is truly important usually finds a way of happening. So make this a priority, like anything that really needs to happen. Because you are important, your goals and what makes you happy are important. How would reaching those goals be any less so?
   
2. Go Shopping with the above in mind, then come home and prep as you're putting the food away. Make it part of the same chore. Done and done! 

Exercise? Same story - it's all about preparation. When you plan out when & where you'll be working out and what you'll be doing ahead of time, you're more likely to stay committed. If my gym bag is packed the night before with a change of clothes for work, shower things, & ipod; and my gym clothes laid out on top - I am out the door in 15 minutes after waking up. Lay out your exercise plan & appropriately stagger activities, so that you're not so sore after two days you don't want to go back. Plan time for stretching. A hot bath for me at the end of the day is a must when I'm in full training mode.

InfoGraphic Glory

I stumbled upon this beautiful thing. It's a great infographic full of tips geared towards all the prep and training needed for a half-marathon. I strongly suggest saving it and zooming in. Well worth it. 

So We Meet At Last...My Old Enemy. Stairs.

The title of this post was in every way inspired by the Kung Fu Panda marathon I watched last night. Those are the best types of marathons, IMO.

Anywho, Yesterday I finally got to meet my new personal trainer Jamie through Snap Fitness. I like her quite a bit! We are now tentatively scheduled to meet at 7:30am on Monday mornings which we have dedicated to strength training and a stretching focus since Mondays will be the rest after my long run days. We didn't push too much at our first meeting. Went over a few goals and she did a few very simple upper body free weight exercises (yay) and a calf machine (boo, and totally unnecessary in my opinion). Out of the 4 areas we worked on - shoulders, triceps, calves, and legs - I wasn't super pleased about the shoulders and calves. Have you seen me? Those don't need any work. At all. Never have. I played soccer for a decade and rode horses/worked in a stable through out my childhood. I have soccer calves and shoulders that can easily heft hay bales. I know I know, the point is to get a well rounded workout that spreads the focus to various muscle groups. But I would like to minimize time spent on those areas when there are others (hello core and fat ass) that are in much greater need of attention!

Because, as we all know:

Jamie also insisted that I need to up (that's right, I said UP) my caloric intake, to around 1500. I feel very tentative about that at best, but let's be honest - it's not like I was sticking to the 1200 cal/day limit anyway lol. So I decided to try it out at by aiming for 1400 (which means I'll likely fall just under 1500, I know me a little too well). We'll see how it works. 

I start running again today! Actually looking forward to it. 

One cool note: Jamie is sending her notes and each training program we do (which combinations, number of sets, and weight) to me via email. I'm printing them off and putting them together in a binder for future resources. She says I should come to the gym Mondays and Thursdays to focus on strength training. 

Right now, the tentative schedule is: 

Monday: No cardio (Rest), Strength Train & Stretching

Tuesday: Run, Stretch.

Wednesday: Run, Stretch

Thursday: Swim (upper body cross), Yoga at night. 

Friday: Run, Strength Train & stretch

Saturday: Long lower body Cross (30-60 min) of Elliptical or Bike

Sunday: Long Run, stretch. 

Like I said in the previous post, December will be focused on establishing my running schedule and getting myself back up to being able to run at least 3 miles. Might take till mid Jan for that. I'm using the couch to 5K program again since I had such success with it the first round; I'm just starting at week 4. 

The biggest downside? I can't risk getting injured and throwing off my training schedule so I'm probably not going to be able to do soccer. Given the big falling out with the controlling hypocritical lazy lying disgruntled-when-she-got-replaced pothead my ex-friend turned out to be who ran the the rec league I'd joined last summer, that might not be a bad thing but I'd JUST FOUND the best indoor team. Made up of people who actually care about showing up on time, who practice, who are decently skilled and have a blast! No drama. I like it a lot and they were impressed with my skills so I'm still on the fence about completely letting that go. 

Current stats: 25lbs away from minimum goal weight. Recording all food. Feeling hopeful about fitting more comfortably into my mediums and smaller sizes again. 

Losing My Mind; aka I Signed Up For A Half Marathon.

I guess every morning is a chance to try again. That attitude, combined with the shame/disgust over my failings this past week and the fact I let two very crazy people convince me that the world is indeed flat and that I can totally run the length of it - is probably what motivated me to take a big leap yesterday and register for the Bayshore Half Marathon in May.

This beast right here: http://www.bayshoremarathon.org/half-marathon

I know, dear reader, I know. I'm nuts. I have never run more than 4 or 5 miles in my life, and that was motivated in large part by getting lost in an unfamiliar city at night in a slightly dangerous downtown area. You may ask, How do I jump from that to a Half Marathon?

You know me. How else? A guy, naturally.

Grooaaannnn. How do I let this happen?? Oh wait I know. He smiled that damn charming boyish grin, and was very enthused, and I got caught right up in it.

Well I guess it's not the worst thing in the world - this is a healthy if slightly possibly most likely unrealistic goal. And it will be in a beautiful area, Traverse City. For those who've never been - fix that. Now. It's my Mecca; vineyards & wineries as far as the eye can see, plus beaches and fantastic food. Plus, my brother's girlfriend will be running the marathon (as well as the previously mentioned Mr. Charm) so I'll be up there with people I know and like. And it will be Memorial Day so it will be warm and sunny and...wait. That almost never works out in Michigan. Ah well, late May will still be above frigid and likely without snow.

All sarcasm and anxiety-related grouching aside? I'm honestly if tentatively excited about this. And without the support of Mr. Charm or the little bro's gf, I would never have pursued this let alone conceived it as a possibility. Their encouragement, support, advice, experience, suggestions and tips will be everything to the success of me sticking with this.

This goal has the distinct advantage of me needing to follow a rather frequent, active training schedule that incorporates strength training, flexibility, and cross training (swimming, biking, or elliptical). Finding the right schedule that balances all of that, doesn't over do it, and sticking to it will be something to watch (so enjoy the show).

The training plan for a half marathon is about 12 weeks long. Given my race date of May 24th, that gives me some lee-way. December's goals, thus, are to:

1. Establish a regular running schedule (same days/frequency as I'll need during the HM training) and using that to get back up to doing 3 miles comfortably again with good running form. I'm currently only at 1-2 miles. 
2. Build up my basic strength again - core, upper body, and leg.
3. Increase my flexibility by introducing regular morning and afternoon stretches, weekly yoga, and the dreaded foam rolling. 

That Plan Did NOT Come Together

I went full-on cookie monster this last Thanksgiving week and lost my mind over food.

Fairly accurate portrayal of last week:

That plan for moderation? I tried and crumbled in the face of my mom's signature stuffing & my dad's complex pumpkin pie custard. And about 20 other dishes as well - In case you forgot, I had two Turkey Days this week. Ugh. Workouts? Didn't happen.

Try, try again.

Turkey Day. And Why My Timing Sucks.

In case you missed the obvious (like I did), the holiday season is a HORRIBLE time to start a diet! Everyone else is eating holiday treats, rich food, bigger meals, and you're like:

The the best bet to not make yourself feel miserable is to track everything still, try and keep things in moderation, and work on establishing a good regular workout routine. So that when the New Year comes with all those handy resolutions, you're already halfway there and a leaner diet isn't so hard to stick to.

That being said? Not looking forward to having two Thanksgiving dinners and a WEDDING in the same 3 day span.  I will keep y'all updated on my success (or lack there of) at navigating those challenges. I promised I'd be honest with myself/this blog. I didn't say it'd be pretty haha.

It's all about Attitude. And Caffeine.

Stupid, simple stuff can still trip you up in your efforts. For example: going through with the decision and commitment for a personal trainer - only to have the first meeting pushed back b/c she can't make it one week, and then the next you miss-communicate about the location. Rescheduled again! GRRR.

For those of you who don't know me, I'm not a huge morning person. I'll do it for the right reasons/motivations, but it's never my first choice to be up before the sun is. I'll leave that to you crazy bastards. But this morning was to be the start of my personal training, to help push me past these doldrums I seem to have moored myself in (shout out to those who get the little nautical references there).

Second Jilly factoid of the day: If I'm meeting someone, if they're counting on me or made time for me in some way - I absolutely can not stand to blow that off.  I consider that inexcusably rude. If something comes up, reschedule ahead of time or at least let them know as soon as possible but even then I feel apologetic for doing that.  So setting up a workout buddy - like swimming with Ashley - has kept me faithful to the pool for a few years now because I picture her waiting for me in the parking lot, having gotten up early to do so. A morning appointment with a personal trainer works much the same way for me - someone made time in their schedule to help me with my goals, so it's easier to swing my feet out of bed.

Which is redonkulously hard to do in the winter. 

I find that getting myself out of the bed to be key (...no, really). Not just sitting up, but ass out of bed. Otherwise, the war between the cold air and my blankets is a lost cause. Whatever it takes to to motivate you to that stage, do it. Experiment but keep trying. For me, it's having my bags packed for the gym, my clothes laid out the night before, enough sleep, and keeping the air temp pretty toasty so I'm less tempted to stay curled under the covers. And it has to be me that gets me up. Nobody else should be held accountable for my ass achieving my own goals. There's a difference between supporting (good, yay!), enforcing (bad, booo!), and detracting (to the bastard who orders pizza at home when I'm dieting).

Well this morning I had everything ready. Getting to the gym wasn't a problem, even if it was on less sleep than I'd like. But after 10 minutes, and no sign of a trainer, I checked through the emails on my phone and I realized I had confused the names of the two branch locations that I normally attend. I was told that the one near my house was my home branch, and they'd set up a trainer through there for me. So naturally, even after the trainer and I got in touch and set up the meeting and they did use the name of the other branch, my tired brain just overrode it this morning and drove to the branch near my house - not the one by my office and clear across town!

As soon as I realized my mistake I texted her and she was very gracious and understanding but I still felt like a heel, not to mention disappointed that I didn't have the session! Sitting there at the gym and decided...fuck it, I'm going to work out anyway. Didn't get a hard one in (as I was tired and still incredibly sore from bootcamp the day before) but I hopped on the Elliptical, set it to level 8, and huffed for half an hour. 

The cool thing about the Kentwood location is that the windows face the east over looking a lot of farm lands (across the parking lot and road). Getting to see the sky change colors and glow as the sun came up on a fricking FREEZING but crystal clear morning brought me right back to all those early morning workouts over the last year where I had gotten to do the same. How had I forgotten about all those sunrises, and the extra boost & joy they'd given me while running like a hamster in the otherwise depressing cold gloom? They were a highlight of my workouts and something I came to look forward to. Me, the non-morning, sunset-preferring person.

All in all? It's about attitude. And caffeine. I still got up, I still stayed there, I still worked out. And I'm getting round two at Starbucks over lunch but I will make it through the day having met at least that goal...even if I did sneak in a bagel and sweets for breakfast. Damn holiday treats. 

What Went Wrong?

It was a slow, seductive process. I didn't wake up one morning in the middle of my training, in the middle of being in the best shape of my life to date, and think, "You know what? I miss my chub."

I stopped tracking and recording every bite. First it was, well a bite of this doesn't matter. Then, it was a few drinks after work - that I obviously burned off dancing, right? Though that might not have been all that far off, because I do truly love to dance and will go for hours on the floor - but let's stick to the point here. Then it moved on to the truly cancerous issue: the after-work Twilight Zone. Dinners only had a 50/50 shot of making it on the log, and all snacks were myth. What's worse is that once my butt hit the couch, or once I decided I couldn't wait for dinner - the chances I'd work out went from slim to laughable.

That's it right there, a big fat obvious reason for my back slide: I stopped working out. It became too easy to avoid it, and I stopped trying to. I hate to admit it... but part the loss of motivation was "because of a guy"...it's hard to keep going when the reasons (& rewards) for your new goals and appearance are tied up in someone else instead of your own happiness.

Warning - personal bs coming. Skip the next paragraph (or six) to the next bolded section if you don't want the sappy back-story. This sums it up nicely:

Nearly two years ago now, I started to pound pavement on my own because I was - ironically- running away from my home situation. I hated spending time at home because of how unhappy I was, and this was a great, endorphin-giving way to get away for an hour or more - since talking about it (at that point) had not worked. I was miserable and what's worse, trapped. My wonderful new home, my job, my car, most of my friends are/were tied up in that relationship, and nothing I was doing was working. So I ran. Every day, just to get away. And little by little, my legs got stronger, my core got leaner, and I felt better about myself. I started to feel that I might not be trapped.  That maybe I was strong enough to survive if this did fall apart. That what had triggered a lot of panic attacks - the fear of being alone, of no one else ever looking twice at me or loving me - might not be the case. That I could look good enough for someone else to actually be interested in me so that they could get to know me for who I was - fairly awesome, naturally ;) , but it's nice when that's wrapped up in a yummy package right? Guys started to pay attention to me and for the first time someone pursued me. I'd never had that before, ever, and was very flattered, and apparently stupidly easy (naive) prey. Well, someone figured that weakness out.

**footnote: I still never fail to appreciate when someone has the interest and has taken the time and effort to do something special for me. Even after learning my lesson, it's still a big deal for someone to do that for me - even a small gesture, if it's personal and considerate - because it's been exceedingly rare for me to receive the same effort and attention to detail that I give out.**

I started to become obsessed, became too tunnel visioned. Running nearly every morning, and working out every evening. Barely eating enough to qualify as sustainable. That alone should have been the warning bell. Those who know me know how much I love food. Not for the sake of food itself thank god - I have never gone for something simply because it's there. I love creating, experimenting, savoring excellent combinations and quality. Then that dropped away from me, and I was suddenly ok with just eatting frozen food and a few pieces of fruit and calling it a day?? Da Fuq, y'all.

The results felt so good though! I dropped an average of 5lbs a week (!) for nearly two months. Shed inches and thus sizes blazingly fast. Every time I dropped a size I'd reward myself with a new outfit (healthy - yay!) and well... other not so healthy things...

Like this: Every time I pushed myself, I'd imagine how good I'd look in a new outfit for a date, how much I wanted to rid myself of imperfection ( all for him); so better work at making my waist slender, my muscles toned...god it sounds so wrong now. So when he broke my heart - yeah. Motivation dwindled. I tried to stay with it, saying to myself, "be hotter than the bitch he left you for".  Even then, my attempts at motivation were still centering around a guy- one who'd broken my heart - and I was still blind to it! Little by little, I felt less motivated to wake up early in the morning to run or put off dinner for that work out.

We won't touch on the obvious depression, but yes that affects motivation and weight gain as well. The good news is that I'm moving past it, finally - able to see how wrongly directed my motivations were. I no longer know exactly what's ahead for me. And I'm finally ok with that. I'm focusing on making myself strong enough, mentally and physically, to be able to be ok with whatever happens or comes. To no longer make (poor) decisions because of fear or a lack of self respect.

The lesson here today class? 
Most important? Make your motivation and your goals based on you. Only tied up only in your happiness and plans. And don't lose yourself in the process.

That realization came only a short while ago for me. It had been that way to start, and I'd lost sight of that. I have no plans to stray from myself again. And I feel happier now - when I make it through a hard workout or stick to a schedule or see the numbers drop slowly on the scale - than I did at any time when I was doing it for someone else, even if it was faster progress.

Secondly - the big picture and the overall goals may be what's important, but being consistent with the little things (like recording your food, or keeping a workout routine) is what will get you there.

Sympathy for Sisyphus

The Last 25. Pounds, that is. Which, about two months ago, was considered the Last 15.

This dynamic right there characterizes my struggle to a T, and is what this blog will be about, at least to start.

I've been working towards losing weight, getting in shape, and all that jazz. If we were to be honest, I've been wanting it, dreaming of it, scheming for it, but taking completely ineffective approaches since early high school. I graduated from a small home town weighing in right around 190 lbs. To get an idea of my frame, I'd describe myself as short. Not petite. Petite brings to mind words like Waif-like and delicate. I can only laugh at that. I'm short but a "stacked" version of 5'4 (according to my hilarious male comrades). I grew up working outdoors, playing soccer, camping, biking, and swimming every chance I got - but with a sad emotionally dependent/abusive relationship with FOOD. I would sneak it, hide it, eat three helpings of everything, and crave every hour or so. Note - I said "crave", not "be hungry". The difference only took years to learn.

Then in college, I gained the freshmen 30 (I had to out-do the average, naturally) and topped over 225. I came across a picture of myself from those days and the similarities are striking between me and the StayPuft Marshmallow man from the Ghostbusters movie. That was my heaviest, and ironically, the time I totally came out of my shell. I had a body and a mindset/attitude that didn't match!

Thus started my yo-yo progress. My last year of college, I lost 25 - gained 15. Then about 4 years ago, I got engaged and lost 40, but gained 20 back after the wedding.  It was only in the last 2 years that Shit Got Real shall we say, and I actually dropped 50-60 lbs (thank you relationship drama). In the latest round I've already gained about 10 back. I know it's downwards progress but still the idea that I can't seem to maintain is scary.

I have a suspicion that under neath the flub there's a strong, seriously curvy frame, if I were to judge by where the weight sits on me. Do you know, I believe that was a huge part of what caused me to be able to break through and finally lose some serious weight? I believed it was possible. That I wasn't simply meant to be fat. That I was strong enough, tough enough to do some of the serious workouts and live and not faceplant every time I did a push-up or collapse a lung doing a simple 5K jog.

So here I sit, forming up a strong resolution to reach this last 25. I've come so far. I've accomplished so much, battled and fought, through sweat, blood, tears, and a lot of salad. You would think that after passing a half-way point, you'd hit a "downhill" stride. What? Look how hard you worked to get that first half done. You don't have as far to go now! Shouldn't the rest of it, the little that's left, be easier?

Ha.

I'm closer to my goal than I've ever been. I can see it. I can fucking taste it - I really believe that I am capable of doing it! And yet I think it's going to take more work to drop this last 25 than it did to drop the first 50. There is no downhill momentum. This here is Sympathy for Sisyphus. This is one of those "we walked up hill both ways" journeys that you're always hearing some elderly relative ramble on about when complaining how easy today's youth has it.

I'm going to try though. Fuck it, no I'm going to do it. I am! Really. I mean it.